The Lost Meeting
by Xena Avenger
Summary: Yet another famous 'Lost Meeting' between Buffy and Angel after she came back from Heaven. I tried to write it reflecting how the characters acted via canon. Not a 'happily-ever-after' ending.


I know the secret meeting between Buffy and Angel has been done a million times, but most of the fan-fictions I have read don't really jive with how the characters act on the series. Many depict Angel as a huge help to Buffy, in getting her though her crisis, which in fact, he really doesn't. I mean…she ends up sleeping with Spike…still very damaged. Here is my idea how it should go through clues from the shows. (Thought not how I wished it had gone.)

Starts directly after 'Buffy' Season 6 episode, '_Flooded_' and 'Angel' season 3 '_Carpe Noctem_'

...

Buffy walked out of her house on Revello drive and climbed into the driver's seat of her mothers, now her, jeep. She backed out of the driveway and heading towards the highway, her mind was filled with thoughts, filled with Angel.

'_Angel. I need to see him. Angel will make the pain stop, he'll make my heart beat again, he'll make me feel.'_

Angel ran to his room, grabbed his coat and car keys, and then burst out of the Hyperion into the parking lot. The sun was just setting, it tinged his skin a bit, but he didn't feel it, the only burning he felt was the burning desire to see Buffy, to see for himself that she was alive, really there. He jumped into his convertible and turned the car onto the highway.

'_Buffy. I need her. I need to see her. I need to see the light, this tunnel is getting too dark.'_

L.A. and Sunnydale were about 2 hours drive from one another; it took Buffy and Angel an hour each to reach their destination. Actually Angel reached it in 40 minutes; speeding didn't worry him much, it's not like he could lose his license. He didn't have one.

Buffy pulled into an empty parking spot at the Sun's Fried Chicken restaurant that she agreed to meet Angel. She sat in the jeep a few seconds, trying and failing to get her heart rate back under control. She took a few deep calming breaths and got out. She glanced around the dark parking lot, a few streetlamps chasing back the night, and spotted a dark figure standing statue still in the shadow of a nearby tree. '_Here goes nothing_.' She thought as she made her way over to him.

Angel watched as Buffy pulled the jeep into the lot, if his heart could beat, it would be racing. '_She's too skinny.'_ He was frozen as he watched her exit the vehicle and slowly walk towards him, a moment later they were toe to toe.

Both stood staring at one another a moment, neither really believing the other was there. "Buffy." Angel managed to say, his still heart clenching. '_Her eyes…they're empty.'_

"Angel." She breathed, her mind screaming at her, '_He' s right here…and I still can't feel a thing!_'

A moment later, they hugged. Each of them needing to feel the other, but both knowing they might as well be shaking hands, or just nodding as you would to an acquaintance.

After a moment they pulled apart, smiled weakly to each other, and moved to the bench beneath the tree. They sat in uncomfortable silence a few long moments, neither really knowing what to say to one another.

Finally Angel spoke up, "So, how have you been?"

_'I've never seen Buffy this broken before.'_

She looked up at him, "Not dead, which is great. Never better. Loving my new life." she blurted quickly. She winced at the awkwardness of the situation but upon seeing his unconvinced gaze, she leaned back against the bench, "Ok, not so great." She amended at Angel's glace. "It's just…"

"Hard?" he supplied.

"More like impossible." She stated while pulling her legs up to her chest and wrapping her arms around her knees. "I just… just don't know what to do anymore."

'_'I hate this...all of it. __I think I want to...die?'_

"You'll figure it out Buffy, it's what your best at." He said encouragingly.

'_God, she looks so...broken. I wish I had the pieces to put her back together.'_

She shook her head, "Not this time. It's different. I'm different."

_'I was in Heaven...now I'm not. You don't just get over that.'_

"You died Buffy. That's not something one gets over quickly. Trust me, I know. I'm still not over it, and I've been dead 250 years."

_'I suffered though centuries of pain before I went to Hell, it was nothing really new for me.'_

"I've died before." She stated, remembering drowning in a puddle of water after the Master drank her.

'_Way to have happy thoughts Buffy.'_

He shook his head, "Not like this. I know what hell is like, I've been there too."

_'I should have been there, I never should have left her.'_

Buffy looked over at him then quickly looked away, '_Even he thinks I was in hell? Can no one see that to me, THIS is Hell?_'

"Yeah, I know. I sent you, remember?" She added dryly.

He winced, not intending to bring THAT incident up at the moment. "If…if you want to talk about it…"

_'What the hell do I say to her, how do I help her?'_

She leaned back against his shoulder, "No, I don't want to talk."

'_I want to feel again, I want to feel anything at all, anything but this void inside me where Heaven used to be.'_

Silence filled the night again. The only sounds coming from the crowded restaurant and the chirping of the crickets in the grass behind the lot. Neither of them gained the comfort they thought the other would provide. Two souls, together...but alone.

"Want me to buy you dinner?" He asked, noticing her skeletal frame the second she stepped from her car.

"Not hungry." She automatically answered. In truth, she hadn't felt hungry since she came back to earth.

As he sat there with her leaning against his chest, he had the stark realization he could do nothing for her, he couldn't be there for her any more that she had been for him when he had come back from Acathla's Hell. Yeah, she had brought him blood a few times, sat with him and watched silently as he suffered thought nightmares and withdrawals. She helped him with some of the physical things, but that was because he had no one else. He had been alone, save for her. She had family, friends to help her. She didn't need him like he had needed her. She could do nothing to help the mental wounds he had suffered, he needed to fight off his own hellish mind demons and he knew the same was true for her now.

"This isn't something I can help you with…I wish I could…but you need to find your own path. No one else but you can do this Buffy." He said looking into her eyes.

She looked away a moment, contemplating, then looked back. "Maybe you can help, help me feel again." She moved up and slowly kissed him.

She desperately wanted him for forget his curse for just a moment, to feel his cool hands running down her warm body, his soft lips on her bare skin, other parts of him filling her, making her feel whole again. A part of her wanted to feel guilty over the desire to risk Angel's very soul over her selfish and desperate needs, but that part of her was distant and confused at the moment and she paid it little attention.

He loved the feel of her lips against his, her warmth, her taste. But even warm… they're cold. '_They're dead.'_

He reached his hands up, grasping her shoulders and gently pushed her back, breaking the kiss.

"Buffy, you know we can't." He whispers regretfully, not only would his curse be in jeopardy, but also her currently fragile mental state.

'_She is too needy right now, and if I stay with her for much longer, I WILL give in to that neediness, and that would be stupid, and bad, and very, very wrong. Also would probably lead to me becoming crazy and homicidal if Angelus came back as a result. That most assuredly wouldn't help her any._'

"I know." She whispered back as she moved away from him, wrapping her arms around her too thin body to try and block the cold her core now produced. _'The feel of him, his coolness. I could feel that...does that count?' _She felt a small part of her stability shatter at his rejection. Anger flared in her, for a second, she was feeling something...anything...and he had made it stop.

"Well, it was good to see you." She said as she quickly got up and started to walk away.

He got up and rushed after her, "Buffy wait, I know we…"

She held up her hand to silence him. "No, no your right. We can't, and I need to figure this out on my own. I'm a big girl now Angel; I can't keep running to the vampire ex-boyfriend that dumped me before prom every time I feel depressed."

Angel was stung by not only the words, but by the venom in which she said them. "Buffy please, don't be like that." He begged.

She glared at him, "Like what? Like a Slayer whose life is a never ending battle until she dies? Oh wait, doesn't end then either! Or like someone who died and went to…Hell? Or maybe like a girl who every time she feels like she's finally being seated in life, you show up and pull the chair from under her?" She almost yelled.

He was confused as to why she was treating him so harshly, "I…I'm sorry. I'm making this worse, I'll go." He turned to leave.

_'Oh God, I'm doing it again. I try to put out a small fire in her life...and I end up fueling it into a towing inferno. Damn it!'_

She mentally kicked herself for blurting hurtful things to him just because she was hurting. "Angel, I'm sorry, that was uncalled for."

He turned back and shook his head, "No, no you were right. I don't have the best track record with you. I'm not what you need right now, I know that. Neither of us was ready for this meeting. It was too soon."

She nodded, "Yeah, I guess it was." She looked down at her shoes, wanted to say more but not sure what. Instead of words she walked over to him and wrapped her arms around his waist. "Thank you, for trying anyways." She said truthfully.

He hugged her back, "It will be hard, but I know you'll make it through the darkness you faced. I'll keep my distance until then." She hugged him tighter, more of a reflex than anything else, and then released him.

"Yeah, I will. Just hope I don't head for a light and find it's a train." She muttered.

He gave her a weak grin, "Nah, that only happens to coyotes chasing fast birds in cartoons." His tone grew serious again, "Buffy you're the strongest person I know, and I'm not talking arm wrestling here, although you could beat me there too, but you'll get thought this. I have faith in you."

She smiled, it didn't meet her eyes, but it was genuine. "I'll try."

_'He has faith in me? I kill him...and he still has faith in me. For him...I will try.'_

He nodded; "That all we can ever really do." he said and turned towards his car.

"Angel" She called out, when he turned she said, "I promise, next time, I'll be happy to see you."

He sent her a grin, "Me too."

On the drive back to the hotel, Angel's mind kept replying the lost day over and over again. Being with Buffy, the feel of her body, her warmth, the power of her love. A shiver went through him as he pictured her now, a shell of who she was. He knew she would find her way, that she would rekindle the fire within her. He believed in her, and would give her the space she needed to pull though.

As she watched him drive out of the lot she couldn't help but want to cry.

'_How many times do I have to watch that man walk away from me? How many times will I DRIVE him from me?_'

She turned her attention to the restaurant, '_I should grab some dinner for Dawn._' She opened the glass doors and headed inside, the pain she still felt corked up and stored for another day.


End file.
